This sky will make me sick, so I'll give up on this, I'll give up on you.

So I'm a bit confused at the moment, and I'm right off myspace blogs. People read them, for starters. Pretty sure the only people who will ever read this are Holly, and, well, Holly, unless Ash comes back to visit.

No one even understands anymore. I say things that to me are such obvious indicators of everything that I'm NOT saying, and it's just nothing. People are either too absorbed in their own lives, or don't know me as well as I thought they did. Or just don't care, I guess.

The feeling that I could be gotten, but because of circumstance will never be got, is the worst feeling I have ever had.

I keep thinking about something, and go on to imagining all these scenarios and they're so real that at times I'm left breathless. I can't remember ever wanting something like this. Not necessarily as strong as this, but in this way. Where I just obsess and obsess and spend every second wondering what would happen if...

And that if evolves so that every day I've covered every single life except for the one I'm currently living.

Can't shake the feeling that it would be so, so right. But at the same time, so inplausible and so...left. Maybe not wrong. But just not right.

I'm making this sound so much bigger than it is.

Ash said in a blog something like I'm done with trying to 'talk it out'. It doesn't work for me. I'm kind of with her there. There's just no one to talk to who wouldn't look at me with either 'you're not making any sense', or 'compared to my problems, yours is nothing', or 'I care now, in this moment, but only because you're the only person here, once other people come I'll have to leave'. And I'd rather keep it all bottled inside, or throw it into a journal that doesn't make sense.
In saying that, there are some people who I probably could talk to. I just haven't.

We were a stroke of luck.

I think I've lost my phone, for the second time and for good. This wouldn't bother me all that much, because I'll get Ash's old one soon, and just have to buy a new simcard. I didn't want to change my number, but I know it's not the end of the world if I do, as long as people add the new one to their phones like good little children should. There's just two messages on there that I want to be able to see all the time, and I'll be sad if I can't.

I had a very full life. It just didn't mean anything.